Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Shopping and Smiling

Shops attract huge crowds. There are lots of funny going-ons among the shoppers .
Here are some of them:

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

"Keep calm, Monika "
In the supermarket was a woman pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing girl. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies.
When the woman told her she couldn't have any cookies, the girl began to cry.
The woman kept repeating softly: "Don't get excited Monika, don't scream Monika, don't be upset Monika, don't yell Monika, keep calm Monika."
A woman standing next to her said: "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica!"
The mother replied: "I'm Monica!”

"Marian, Marian!"
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically: "Marian, Marian!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her: "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother"
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."

Insecurity complex.
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked:
"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Please, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why should I talk to you ?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

"Good bye, Mother!"
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around, but he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
She said: "Pardon me, I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
The young man replied: "I'm very sorry, is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'?
It would make me feel so much better."
The young man answered: "Sure!"
As the old woman was leaving, he called out: "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk answered: "Your mother said that you would pay for her!"

"Cash, check or charge?" the store cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most hurtful thing I could do to him."

Cheeky Parrot !
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

Notice on the mirror in a Shop Men's Changing room:
"Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end ".

January Sales - Time to Invest.

The January Sales are here again!
The Top 30 Shops in the UK started their annual January Sales, as usual, on Boxing Day, 2011 to end on 31st January, 2012.
Even after the mega shopping before the recent Festive period, the fun and excitement of getting very good bargains during the January Sales have kept shoppers going for more shopping. This year,the sales offers are really tempting and top quality fashion goods, cosmetics, jewellery , electronics, computers , household appliances ,even food and cars are up for grabs at incredible prices.
The Shopping Culture for millions of people in the UK is to restrain their spending and shop minimally for essentials at Christmas ; while they save up for the next January Sales because for most people ,there is no other time of the year to get the best bargains on all items, than now. During the January sales , people buy at reduced prices, stock up for the whole year and even shop for next Christmas.

Annually, shoppers from all over the world flock into the UK; especially into London, the world's No.1 Shoppers' Paradise, for these January bargains which start on Boxing day, when huge crowds start queuing up at the doors of many shops as early as 3 a.m!
Ladies, especially, look forward to these sales and would save all year round for massive shopping at the January sales in popular top bracket stores like John Lewis, Debenham , Harrods, Harvey Nichols, Marks & Spencer, River Island, Selfridges, Boots, TM Lewin which are very popular for huge bargains for shoes , clothes , handbags, cosmetics, perfumes ,lingerie , bed linen, jewellery and many others.
The accountant in me can spot good deals , a mile off!
For me January sales is the time to buy not only reduced-priced perishable goods like food, drinks, sweets and desserts; but this is the opportunity to invest in highly reduced quality durable goods which appreciate in value and which are useful for years and years to come.
Now is the time for investing in Gold or silver jewellery, watches, winter coats, top quality designer shoes , handbags , shirts , tailored blouses and suits; perfumes and cosmetics. Also , during mega sales like this, it is wise to invest in top range kitchenware , electronics, computers and accessories; and other household appliances which are on offer for as much as 60% reductions in their normal prices.
The sales are also an opportunity for internet traders to invest in stock of various goods which could be sold on eBay and Amazon.com sites , for huge profits.
If a trader on eBay could flog Henson Blumenthal's Christmas Mince Pies(packet of 6), for £250 per packet, which were being sold for as cheap as £1.64 in Waitrose before Christmas; then I can do even better than that on my eBay and Amazon.com sites!

The rule for striking great deals at the sales is: shop around and shop smartly. Before Christmas ,millions of people shopped on line. The on line shopping trend has continued this January because the best sales bargains can be found by surfing the Web; to compare prices in the various shops websites and to discover the best bargains on line.
For people like me who do not have the time to move from shop to shop , comparing prices, on line shopping in the comfort of our homes is the preferred option.
Scouring the various shops' websites has yielded surprise reductions in the most unlikely places. Massive bargains during this January sales can be found in top shops like Harrods - 70%, Harvey Nichols- 60% and Selfridges- 75% , TK MAXX -80%, Sports Direct- 80%. Play.com -70%, ASOS 70% & H& M- 70%.
These top-bracket shops , usually , do not offer such high reductions on their top-quality stock!
TX MAXX is doing some fantastic reductions on fashion goods , especially winter coats which have been reduced in prices for as much as from £350.00 to just under £120. While River Island and Debenham have gorgeous deals on shoes and handbags.
These are very good offers and it is smart to grab these type of offers NOW because, they would not be repeated like his again till next Spring/ Summer/Winter Sales , may be.
Credit cards with 0% APR are indispensable assets and they are very useful for investing in bulk purchases during the Sales. If you do not have the privilege of a credit card, Master Cards or Debit Visa Cards are good options.
If you are using your credit cards, don't be carried away by the tempting offers on display to embark on a wild shopping spree!
Some one told me that she cannot resist buying every thing she fancied in the shops.
Why?
She says, "These gorgeous goods are winking at me ; they are calling my name and saying, "Take me home, baby!"
And I say, the cure for that is ; wink back at the goods , call their names and tell them to , "Shoosh and hop it!"

Have a wonderful time at the Sales!


Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Good Laughs

LOL !
Man 1: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.
Man 2: Cool, how much did it cost?
Man 1: The time is three past ten.

Stale
An elderly married couple were walking in the park the other day and noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, kissing passionately.
The wife asked, "Why don't you do like that man?"
The husband replied, "I don't even know that woman!"

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

A man in a hotel: Waiter, there is a dead fly in my bean soup.
Waiter: Oh, the hot soup must have killed it sir.

Sign in a restaurant: "We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."

Heard on a radio station.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."

Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson

Oh deee....!
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.
After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a redneck!"
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

A pickpocket was caught in the act , on CCTV; picking the pockets of several shoppers among the huge crowd on Oxford Street.
"You are under arrest for pick-pocketing", the police office told him and read him his rights.
"Oh no, no !, you are making a mistake!", said the thief to the Police ."My fingers were getting stiff from the cold , so I kept dipping them in several shoppers' pockets to keep them warm!"

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe:
Ingredients compiled by an Engineer:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Silly PJ
Teacher: How many letters are there totally in "A.B.C.D"?
Student: 4
Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just "A.B.C.D"
Student: 52
Teacher: What?! How?
Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.

My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".

Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something that I didn't do.
Mother: That's very bad of your teacher. What was it that you didn't do?
Girl: The homework.

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.
Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.
The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Shopping and Laughing .

Shops attract huge crowds. There are lots of funny going-ons among the shoppers .
Here are some of them:

"Marian, Marian!"
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically: "Marian, Marian!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her: "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother"
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."

"Talk to me, please!"- Wife's insecurity complex.
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked:
"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Please, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why should I talk to you ?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

"Keep calm, Monika "
In the supermarket was a woman pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing girl. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies.
When the woman told her she couldn't have any cookies, the girl began to cry.
The woman kept repeating softly: "Don't get excited Monika, don't scream Monika, don't be upset Monika, don't yell Monika, keep calm Monika."
A woman standing next to her said: "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica!"
The mother replied: "I'm Monica!”

"Good bye, Mother!"
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around, but he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
She said: "Pardon me, I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
The young man replied: "I'm very sorry, is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'?
It would make me feel so much better."
The young man answered: "Sure!"
As the old woman was leaving, he called out: "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk answered: "Your mother said that you would pay for her!"

"Cash, check or charge?" the store cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most hurtful thing I could do to him."

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

Notice on the mirror in a Shop Men's Changing room:
"Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end ".

Saturday, 7 January 2012

He Crowns the year with His Goodness!



Psalm 65:1-13.
Praise waiteth for thee, O God, in Sion: and unto thee shall the vow be performed.
thou that hearest prayer, unto thee shall all flesh come.
Iniquities prevail against me: as for our transgressions, thou shalt purge them away.
Blessed is the man whom thou choosest, and causest to approach unto thee, that he may dwell in thy courts: we shall be satisfied with the goodness of thy house, even of thy holy temple.

By terrible things in righteousness wilt thou answer us, O God of our salvation; who art the confidence of all the ends of the earth, and of them that are afar off upon the sea:
Which by his strength setteth fast the mountains; being girded with power:
Which stilleth the noise of the seas, the noise of their waves, and the tumult of the people.
They also that dwell in the uttermost parts are afraid at thy tokens: thou makest the outgoings of the morning and evening to rejoice.

Thou visitest the earth, and waterest it: thou greatly enrichest it with the river of God, which is full of water: thou preparest them corn,

In It ,To Win It

In every race , there are three distinct group of participants : * those who are in it for the sheer fun of being part of the race ; but ...